I am struggling today, friends.
David left town on Sunday evening and won't be back until Saturday at noon. He was also gone for three days last week (yes, in the middle of our trip to see my family in Georgia), two the week before, and has been gone for various 2-3 day stretches basically all year so far.
The trip to Georgia wore me down. The drives there and back, the dealing with Nate in places that aren't home (even with wonderful family members on hand and willing to help out), the sleeping badly in beds that are not my own: they all left me exhausted. The day after we got back I could feel a cold or something coming on, but I had to plow forward because Nate's preschool was hosting a little mini-concert and potluck lunch, and as a class mom I was responsible for helping with setup and cleanup.
And then David left. I got sicker. It doesn't feel like flu (from what I remember of the times I've had the flu), but it's a nasty bug nonetheless. We've reached the point now where my abdominal muscles ache from coughing, and my nose is bleeding a little bit from blowing it so much.
That whole television detox I discussed on Monday. Oh, hahahahahahaha. As Arwen told me yesterday, "Maybe this isn't the best week to cut out TV, Lauren." Truer words were never spoken. (It still has to be done. Just not this week.)
Then there was a screwup at my doctor's office yesterday, and instead of leaving with some information I've been eager to receive, I have to make another appointment and impose on someone to watch Nate again and continue to fret about something that's probably nothing but might be something (insert standard "not pregnant" disclaimer here; don't get excited). I ended up in tears in the parking lot not because the mixup is so egregious, but just because I'm sick and lonely and tired and unable to be the mother I want to be when all of this is going on. Then I cried a couple more times today, for good measure.
Oh, and there's the minor fact that I frequently forget to feed myself when David's not around. In the five minutes we got to talk this morning before he became unreachable for 8 hours, David finally told me to just order food, for heaven's sake, and it honestly hadn't occurred to me. Or maybe when it did, I felt like I should be able to take better care of myself without copping out and throwing money at the problem. Like it's a weakness on my part or something.
Which is, of course, ridiculous. I am, quite literally, weakened at the moment, and there's no shame in getting help in the form of food. I wish that we had a regular sitter so that I could take a few hours to rest undisturbed, but at the same time I know that I have it comparably easy having one kid who will watch TV and play LEGO pretty well by himself. I shamelessly turned on Netflix this afternoon and holed up in my bed with the iPad. Sleep was out of the question, but at least it was (mostly) quiet.
And the egg drop soup that was just delivered to my door may be the best thing I've ever tasted.