Saturday, November 19, 2011

T-minus three hours until my next shot

Elizabeth called me out this week on not posting in over a month.  I knew it had been a pathetically long time, and I had decided this week to bite the bullet and start posting about what's been going on, but I haven't really known how to go about doing it.

After I miscarried in the spring, my doctor told me that, given my age and history of infertility, I should come back in for fertility treatment if I wasn't pregnant again within 2-3 months.  Considering how long it had taken to get pregnant with Nate, it seemed like a laughably short time frame in which to find myself pregnant, and it was.  So by the end of the summer we were looking into starting fertility treatments.

The really crappy thing about having real difficulty getting pregnant is that it ends up being so damn exhausting.  Everyone jokes about how much fun it is to try to have a baby.  Throw caution to the wind!  Have a few drinks!  Take a romantic trip!  And for people who get pregnant within a few months, I'm sure it's a great time.  Part of the reason I had been so thrilled to see those two pink lines in March was that we hadn't been affirmatively"trying."  I mean, we have never undertaken any measures to prevent pregnancy, so other than when I was pregnant and postpartum we were always, in a sense, trying to get pregnant.  But I wasn't expecting it to happen, which made it all the more thrilling when it did.

If that pregnancy had stuck, it's likely we never would have worried about "trying" ever again.  I could be wrong; maybe we'd always want just one more.  But we both know how stressful it is, and how difficult it has proven for us, and so I really think we would have counted our blessings, prayed for another baby, and just let nature take its course.

It didn't stick, though, and instead it just threw into sharp relief just how much we wanted another one.  It's weird, too, because in some ways I feel both more and less desperate about it.  On the one hand, we have an amazing, adorable, enchanting child.  We're parents, and that's something that's true whether we have one kid or a dozen. 

On the other hand, though, I feel like it's important to have another baby for Nate.  I don't want him to have to grow up as an only child.  Obviously we'll do the best we can to make his childhood and his entire life as full of love and joy as possible, even if he never has a brother or sister.  But I believe that siblings are the greatest gifts parents can give their children, and I just don't want him to be alone if we can help it. 

So here we are, stuck with the stress of truly trying once again, and in August we found ourselves sitting in a consultation with the fertility doctor we'd seen five years ago, as if we'd stepped back in time.  Instead of being in my fortieth week of pregnancy right now, where I wish like anything I were on this November evening, I'm instead blogging from the other side of updated hormone panels, a dozen or so blood draws and ultrasounds, pre-bedtime hormone injections in my stomach, and, as of a few days ago, two failed medicated cycles.  Last night I started the injections for cycle number three.

I don't want this space to turn back into an infertility blog.  I did the infertility blog thing when we were trying the first time, when I desperately needed that online community of women who were all dealing with the same thing.  At the time, trying to have a baby was very nearly my sole focus.  This time around, there's a rambunctious two year old who gets top billing in the attention department, which really does make all the difference in the world.  It means walking into the fertility clinic for monitoring already experiencing the joy of motherhood, instead of just wishing for it.  It doesn't mean, though, that I'm not sad or that I'm not stressed or that I don't need to be able to write about what's going on.

That's where I've been, and why I've been quiet.  I just don't feel like being quiet about it any more.

16 comments:

Elizabeth said...

Aw, Lauren, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to be flippant about your not posting, I was hoping it was because of something fun and a little bit worried that it was because of something like that.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. I can only imagine how hard this is, but if you need to talk about it I am here to listen.

jonniker said...

Oh, LAUREN. I am so sorry. You are absolutely in my thoughts and prayers, and I am sad to say that I have a small idea of how much this sucks, though I have no idea how you personally feel.

Much love to you.

Salome Ellen said...

You continue in our prayers, as always. (Have I mentioned that this blog is now in my "family" folder?)

Diane said...

I'm so sorry, Lauren. I wish there were anything I could say. Please know that you are loved, and I am focusing the biggest wish I have on you being blessed with another beautiful baby, sooner than soon.

Miriel said...

Oh, Lauren. You and David are such great parents and I have a deep faith that God will bless your family with another baby, T-minus 11 days until the Christmas novena starts, right??

Miss you. Love you. Praying for you.

Jessica said...

I'm so sorry, Lauren. I don't even know you that well, but I want this SO BADLY for you. You're such a lovley person and mother. I'll be praying! Often!

LE Bean said...

It is a heavy thing to want a baby, and not be able to do it on your own. Praying for your heart and God's timing to match up soon.

Tam said...

This is such a wonderful post and so many of my own feelings are reflected here. Sometimes I feel selfish praying for another, when G-d has already given me such perfect gifts in my husband and son. Am I greedy to want more?

Sending love and hope to you and yours!
(oiler02)

Elsha said...

You guys will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Maureen said...

You shouldn't ferl the berf to be quiet about it. We're all praying for you.

andnotbysight said...

I'm sorry. We're in a similar place with secondary infertility treatment now. I'll keep you in my prayers!

Jennifer said...

So sorry you have to be on this journey. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers & also hope for patience for you. xoxo

Dr. Maureen said...

THIS is me. :) And I reiterate, I'll be praying for you guys.

Erica said...

Oh man. Hang in there.

Crystal said...

Your family is an incredible one. Nate is such a wonderful child and is so blessed to have you and David as parents (and the two of you are, of course, blessed to have such a remarkable child). I will continue to think of you, hope for you, and pray for you. But, I am confident that no matter how this journey ends for your family, you will find your lives together to be full of joy and happiness. I love you, friend.

Lisa said...

Just catching up. I feel your pain. I've been there, am still there in a sense. Only now we are focusing on the waiting with adoption and sort of ignoring the fertility thing again. I totally agree with wanting to give your kid a sibling...that's exactly how I feel. I pray your journey to another healthy baby is a short one...