Tuesday, March 17, 2009

At long last

Back in June of 2006, I started a blog anonymously.  We had been trying to conceive for nine months at the time, and I was getting incredibly antsy and upset that there was no baby on the way.  I had just discovered the world of infertility blogs, a world that I greedily embraced and joined and then much later, happily, outgrew.  

I remember all too well the sharp feelings that year and the one that followed.  Every tabloid pregnancy rumor in the grocery store checkout line was a personal attack on me, a glaring reminder of my failure.  Every friend's pregnancy announcement was met with guilt, as I struggled to let the genuine happiness I felt for my friends outweigh the gut-wrenching "why not me???" that raged in my head.  Mass became, at times, almost unbearable, a seemingly never-ending parade of babies, toddlers, and hugely pregnant bellies.  More than once, I ended up in tears.

And yet somehow, over time, I began to feel . . . better.  I began to be able to see the blessings all around me:  The most wonderful husband a girl could ask for; an amazing job; terrific friends; a comfortable home.  I became increasingly confident that, regardless of whether I ever got pregnant or not, I would be okay.  David and I made plans for me to stop working.  We started making plans to adopt.  We counted down the days until this next part of our lives would begin-- a part without the stresses of being a two-job household, cramming all our chores and errands into our too-limited non-working hours.  A part where we were actually working toward having a family, even if that family perhaps wasn't going to look like the family we'd first envisioned for ourselves.  We joked that we might actually have an athletic child as a result of adopting, since no child born to the two of us would have a sports-gifted bone in his or her body.  I took down the blog, announcing that it had run its course.

And then, suddenly, we found out I am pregnant.  

Wait, suddenly?  How can something that took well over three years seem sudden?  But it did.  It took us completely by surprise, since I'd long ago given up on the notion that simply having sex can lead to a baby.  What a completely novel idea, right?  But here we are, awestruck at God's goodness, imagining Him sitting back and grinning to Himself:  See?  Did you really ever doubt me?  Did you doubt my timing?  It really is perfect, you know.

And so it is.  I find myself shaking my head at the sheer perfection of it all, and I'm actually filled with gratitude for the years it has taken to get here.  I think of the blessings that wouldn't have come my way but for this delay, and I don't think I'd be willing to go back and trade any of them to have a baby in my arms sooner.

I wouldn't trade the time I was able to spend working on the Hill.  I wouldn't trade the friends I made there and the opportunity to learn about humility and Christian charity from-- of all places!-- a Kansas politician.  

I wouldn't trade the time alone with my husband, and the sure knowledge we've gained that we really can weather tough challenges.

I wouldn't trade one of our very best friendships, and the blessing of growing close to a faith-filled couple who walked the same path we found ourselves on and made it to the other side with their eyes squarely focused on God.  I wouldn't trade the opportunity to be godmother to their new baby.  

Most of all, though, I wouldn't trade the fact that I really do feel like I made it through infertility, ultimately, with my faith and my heart intact-- and I got to that point long before I found out that I'm pregnant.  I was discussing this with Arwen during our Michigan trip:  The fact that I'd managed to find happiness apart from seeing two lines on a pregnancy test is a huge blessing.  That I was able to trust God and see His goodness even when my prayers weren't being answered in the way I'd hoped is an even bigger gift.  It's easy to be happy and confident when we're getting everything we want; I'm just thankful God gave me the grace to-- finally-- be joyful even when there was no baby on the way.

And now!  I'm gobsmacked.  I'm grinning ear to ear.  I'm shaking my head in wonder and raising my arms in gratitude.  I'm thirteen weeks pregnant today, due on September 22nd.

It happened exactly when it was supposed to happen.  And I couldn't be happier.

14 comments:

Brooke said...

beautifully written! your post brought tears to my eyes. i'm so proud of you and the way you weathered the storm. you've been a wonderful example. congrats, again!

Summer said...

Congratulations! I found your blog through Arwen's when you were still writing anonymously and then again when you started this new blog. I'm so thrilled to hear your amazing news! You've shown such grace and faith during your journey. I'm wising you a wonderful pregnancy - enjoy!

"He has made everything beautiful in it's time." Ecclesiastes 3:11

blog nerd said...

Amen.

"Let Patience have Her Perfect Work."

James 1:4

(So happy for you--it defies words.)

BreezieGirl said...

Sent over from Arwen... congratulations!

PrinceOfTheWest said...

Our prayers are answered! And, also, just beginning. May God give all you need to be the best parents you can be!

Holly said...

Many congratulations. I have enjoyed praying for you, even though my heart ached for you during the past couple years.

May you continue to have peace and grace.

My prayers for you and your growing family will continue.

God Bless you.

Sarah in Ottawa said...

Such wonderful news! Congratulations and good luck!

Arwen said...

This post made me cry.

Of course you know how happy I am for you, and how proud.

Lisa said...

I used to follow you on that other blog, and all I have to say is PRAISE GOD.

Stephanie Jean-Louis said...

Congrats! Wonderful news.

sonetka said...

Hey! I used to read your SoCo blog and was disappointed when you shuttered it, but since I had merely lurked I didn't really feel justified in trying to find you again; well, just came over from Arwen's and I am SO HAPPY for you! Congratulations! I had hoped that a baby would surprise you one of these days :).

(I'm also with you on looking at infertility and while not liking it, also being unwilling to give up the places where it led us. Would any of us have believed it a few years ago?)

InfertileMadWoman said...

Oh my gosh.... how did I miss this post??? I am just reeling with shock and excitement for you sweetie!!! How amazing for you guys!!!

I am grinning ear to ear!!

Hugs!!!

Erica said...

This is a great "getting to know you" post for the Blathering. Looking forward to meeting you in Chicago!

L said...

A beautiful post indeed. I am excited to meet people who work in Washington.Very cool. ps...your post from a while ago about flying and challenging prejudices was also very enjoyable.